Star Trek: Highwind
by Casey Crystal
Summary: An FF7 and Star Trek crossover? What was Casey thinking???
1. To go where no FFVII charactor has gone ...

STAR TREK: HIGHWIND  
  
*looks at the title* I really need a life don't I? Well, I've watched ***Star Trek: Voyager*** enough to have an idea of what goes on, but not really. For all of those reading this, hope u enjoy it! I think I should have put more time into this and maybe have written a better ending, but I need a break from my serious fics....  
  
DISCLAIMER: [enter amusing disclaimer here]  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
@---^---- @---^---- @---^---- @---^---- @---^---- @---^----  
"Red alert, captain!" said Tifa with urgency. Cloud nodded, then looked around in a confused fashion after a minute.  
  
"Wait a minute, where are we?" he asked, scratching his head.  
  
"And why does Spikey get to be the %##$%@ captin?" grumbled Cid. "Who's the author here?"  
  
A few beeping sounds occured, and a door to the left slid open with an impressinve "whoosh" sound and Casey walked through.  
  
Cid groaned. "I might have known."  
  
Cloud glared at Casey. "What is going on here? I thought you promised to never trap us in one of your fics again!"  
  
Casey smiled innocently. "I lied." She walked into the middle of the room. "I just decided to do a whacked out crossover, and you have no choice but to follow."  
  
Rufus looked away from the screen and looked at Casey with a look of fear on his face. "Alright, that sounds fair, but why am *I* the pilot?" Cid boiled with an angry red tomato-ish color mixed with a green jealousy, making a pretty christmas appearance.  
  
Casey shrugged. "You look like the pilot in Voyager, in a weird sort of way. Now, you guys be nice to me and interest those readers out there, ok?"  
  
"What readers, Casey?" asked Yuffie.  
  
"Those ones." Casey pointed to the camera, and Yuffie instantly felt self-conscious and began applying makeup. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play in the Holodeck. Your mission is to find your home planet, SQUARESOFTIA." She nodded quickly, before transporting to the Holodeck.  
  
"She scares me." said Vincent. Everyone looked at him. He was shaking with fear.  
  
Cloud gulped and felt all the attention on him. "Alright, crew. Set a course for SQUARESOFTIA."  
  
Rufus gave him a blank stare. "And how am I going to do that?"  
  
He was rewarded with one of Cloud's overly used shrugs. "Just press those buttons and pretend like you know what you were doing." He nodded to Aeris as an example, who looked like she was scanning the area, but was really chatting on the internet with Zack, who was currently stuck in another fiction at the moment. Rufus shrugged, flicked his hair back, and pressed a few buttons. Within seconds the wonderous and famous planet, SQUARESOFTIA came onto the screen.  
  
"There it is, SQUARESOFTIA!" cheered Tifa. "We did it!"  
  
"How can you tell that's even our ^@*(#*&* planet, foo'?" asked Barret.  
  
Tifa pointed to the screen. "Don't you see the sign that says, Welcome to Squaresoftia. No shoes allowed.'?" Barret nodded slowly, began removing his shoes from his feet and threw them at Rufus.  
  
"Well, that was easy." smirked Cloud, but his face was overcome with horror as a small red beam of light came onto the screen, reached the planet, and blew it up.   
  
"Oopsy."  
  
All eyes turned to RedXIII. "Sorry, my claws aren't built for this kind of work."  
  
"Well, there goes our mission." sighed Aeris, but then her eyes lit up. "Maybe now we can explore the area!"  
  
Yuffie shot the camera a movie star grin, her teeth shining. "I'm going to explore the ship!" Slowly and gracefully, she slipped out of the bridge. The others shrugged and left the bridge as well. If they had stayed a second or two later, they would have seen the incoming message pop up on the screen that had announce 'Enemy Ship has come into view.' But they hadn't, so let's see what else is going on....  
  
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Yuffie ran into the Sickbay crying. Almost instantly, the Emergency Medical Hologram shimmered into view. "Why, Ms. Kisargi (sp?), I see you've injured yourself. Let me have a look at you."  
  
Yuffie looked up from her badly burnt arm at the Doctor and gasped. "H-Hojo? What are YOU doing here?"  
  
The older man shrugged. "All I remember is Casey saying something about me being the Doctor because I'm intelligent when it comes to science." He ignored Yuffie's snort. "Then she laughed madly and stuffed me into the computer. I suppose I'm officially a hologram now. I must say, it's quite interesting. Now, let me have a look at you."  
  
Yuffie grabbed her arm protectively and turned away. "NO! I refuse to let you hurt me!"  
  
"My dear, I've become a new man! There's not need to fear me." He pulled Yuffie onto the bed/bench thingy and pulled a needle out of nowhere.  
  
Yuffie's eyes widened. "What's that? If there's anything left of that Jenova slime in there I swear I'll beat you so hard-"  
  
"Heh heh," said Hojo, blocking the view to the bucket of Jenova parts. "There's no need to worry. This will heal your burn. How did you get this anyway?"  
  
Yuffie shrugged. "I guess you can't pour mako into the ship's generator. OUCH!" she cried as he injected her with a mad grin on his face.  
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"Well, this is interesting...." said Cloud as he stepped into the cafeteria, or mess hall. (Who really cares?) He stepped up to the line and laughed when he saw who the chef was.  
  
"LARD!" laughed Palmer madly.  
  
Cloud chuckled. "So you got the cook's job....interesting. So," he said, "What's on today's menu?" Palmer smirked and dropped a large pile of lard onto his tray. "I'll pass." said Cloud as he dumped it into RedXIII's food dish.  
  
RedXIII, unaware of it's contents, ate carefree from his dish. Suddenly his eyes widened, he turned a weird pinkish color, and blew up, leaving some sort of slime about the room. Everyone else waiting in line dissapeared in a cloud.  
  
Scarlet waltzed into the room and picked up a tray. "Good evening, Ms. Scarlet." grinned Cloud. "Why don't you go have some of today's special???" She nodded kindly (it that's possible) and slid over to the cook. Cloud escaped the room in time to hear a loud BOOM!  
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The doors from the holodeck opened with a "ting" noise as Casey walked out. She glared at the doors and it finally corrected itself with a pleasant "whoosh."  
  
Wondering how the charactors were handling themselves, Casey began to wander down the hallway and found what obviously used to be Yuffie. She was laying on the ground, half mutated into JENOVA THEIF, but Hojo obviously screwed up. This meant only one thing.  
  
"They're not staying on task!" she realized with a shock, and ran farther down the hallway.  
  
"Ow ow ow c'mon, Casey!" cried Cid as she dragged him into the bridge where most of the other charactors had relucently showed up at her command.  
  
Casey sighed and released Cid. "So whatever happened to SQUARESOFTIA?" she asked. The crew exchanged nervous glances.  
  
"Uhhh, RedXIII kinda blew it up." said Barret in a tiny voice.  
  
"But don't bother punishing him, cause he blew up too." said Cloud.  
  
Casey nodded slowly. "Well, that makes this fiction useless, doesn't it?"  
  
"Wait," said Aeris "The scanners are going crazy! Something's coming!"  
  
"How do you know that?" asked Tifa.  
  
Aeris shrugged and pointed to her desk thingy. "Because it says, 'Scanner is going crazy. Something is coming.'"  
  
"I didn't plan this." mumbled Casey. "Hail them."  
  
"Huh?" asked everyone else. Casey sighed and pushed Vincent aside and pressed the 'hail' button.  
  
A garbled voice filled the room. "We are the Turks. Stand down immediately. Resistence is useless."  
  
Another voice, sounding female, could be heard. "Reno, you idot, you're supposed to say futile, and-oops."  
  
"Reno, Elena, and Rude," sighed Cloud "What are you doing here?"  
  
Their image came onto the screen, and Lila came into view. "Well, Casey. If you can have your own ship and charactors, I can too!"  
  
"But you're trying to take over MY ship!" whined Casey as she stomped on the floor. Lila shrugged innocently.  
  
"It wasn't my idea. Captain Reno has decided to attack you, and I can't do anything to stop him! You know that authors cannot interfer in fics like these."  
  
"They can't?"  
  
"Well, they can. I was just trying to make it look like I knew what was going on. We're beaming aboard soon, Casey. Hope to see you soon! Byeeeeeeee." Their image left the screen, and Tifa put on the 'Red Alert.'  
  
"Shields." said Cloud. Barret nodded and put the shields on without much trouble. Casey gave them shocked looks.  
  
"How did you do that so quickly?" she asked. They shrugged in reply.  
  
"This is Lila and the Turks we're talking about." said Cloud with a shiver. "We don't want them to come onboard our ship, not ever!"  
  
"Yeah," agreed Barret. "We don't wan't no foo' comin' board our %$(*^% ship! There's no way they'll be taking us over."  
  
Later...  
  
Reno was laughing as they had easily beamed aboard and restrained everyone Reno considered a threat. So that meant everyone but Casey, Rufus, Aeris and Cloud were left out the forcefield. Elena took the pilot's seat while ignoring Cid's comments, Rude took the computer thingy, and Reno sat in the captain's chair. "Hey, nice seats here." he said.  
  
"Lila, how could you?" asked Casey with a pout on her face.  
  
"Easy," said Lila "We just beat ya."  
  
"Elena," commanded Reno. "Make a course for the planet, TURKLAND."  
  
"There's no such planet, stupid!" said Elena as she crossed her arms.  
  
Reno grinned. "There is now."  
  
"Captain," said Rude, but Reno silenced him.  
  
"Now I'm setting out new rules here. Number 1, I'M the boss. Number 2, you aren't. Barret's the new cook, Tifa's the doctor, and Marlene's my advisor."  
  
"MARLENE!?" screamed Barret.  
  
"Captain," repeated Rude, but was ignored once more.  
  
Reno shrugged. "Most bad guys' domination plans have flaws that even little kids can pick up. Besides, she's got more intellect than you ever will."  
  
Barret grumbled. "Hurt her and I'll pull every one of those red hairs out and shove them up yer-"  
  
"Touch him and I'll hurt you in my next fic!" threatened Lila and Barret shut up. Then she looked around. "Hey where did Casey and Co. go?"  
  
"They've escaped!' said Reno. "Rude! Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
Rude rolled his eyes, (like we would have caught it) "I tried to tell you." Reno grumbled and but decided what could those four do???  
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"Oosp." said Aeris innocently as she poured some of Palmer's lard into the computer system in engineering.  
  
"Excellent." said Cloud. "That should stop them soon enough. While they're away looking for us, we'll free the others and take over the ship."  
  
They watched as the computer screen started flashing and a pretty blue-colored electricity danced around the room. Rufus got an idea and turned to Cloud. "If we destroyed the computer in order to prevent the Turks from using the ship, then how are we going to take over the ship afterwards?" he asked, glaring at him.  
  
Cloud shrugged and Casey whacked him in the back of the head. "Smart one, now we better run and hide before they get down here." They nodded in agreement and ran past a room just off to the engineering, where Marlene, currently unaware of the current events, was currently listening to Reeve explaining how modern technology was currently responsible for the updates in Star Trek shows. Marlene stopped listening and looked at the computer screen.  
  
"What does this red button do?" she asked, looking at the button labeled 'WARNING: DO NOT TOUCH THIS EVEN IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT. THIS WAS PUT HERE FOR AN EXPERIMENT AND WE HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT HOW TO REMOVE IT SAFETLY' and felt a need to push it. Reeve looked at the button in quiestion. It was very big so that it'd fit all those capitalized letters.  
  
"Well," he said "I'll tell you when you're older and not so starved to kill, alright? Now I've got to go to the potty room. Don't do anything while I'm gone."  
  
Marlene nodded and waited for him to leave. Once the door was shut, she giggled, climbed onto the chair and reached up for the button...  
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Reno grabbed his nightstick and was about to leave the room when Lila called him back. "What are you going to do with that? You're not going to hurt them, are you? Well, Cloud I don't care, but the others-"  
  
"No, Lila," smirked Reno as he spoke like a two year old. "I'm just taking the nightstick for a walk. I wouldn't dream of hurting your precious friends."  
  
"I don't trust you." she grinned. "So I just GOT TO join you and make sure you don't do anything." She latched onto his arm and he reluctently left the room with her, Rude and Elena following.  
  
"There they are." said Rude as he found the four in the cafeteria. The balded man looked around. For some reason there was gloopy and yucky stuff sticking everywhere around plates of lard. He decided he didn't want to know and held his gun out.  
  
Rufus glared at Cloud. "Brilliant plan, Spikey." he muttered. Cloud shrugged.  
  
Reno grinned as he held his nightstick proudly in front of him. "Prepare to DIE!" But Lila pushed the stick down with her hand and Reno felt a sudden unpleasant feeling in his toes. He glared at Lila. "Very funny. I suppose-"  
  
He was cut off midsentence when something hit the ship and knocked them all over. Rufus realised with horror that he was covered with the gooey stuff and the lard was mashed in his hair. "The horror!"  
  
Red alert automatically came on and they looked out the mess hall's windows and saw a huge ship in the distance, firing on the Highwind. Everyone looked at Casey and Lila.  
  
"Not my fault." said Casey "I was only writing about the Highwind when Lila showed up."  
  
"Well I didn't write this in!" said Lila. They were about to protest more when another shot sent them flying towards a planet. Reno swore just before impact.....  
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"What happened?" asked Barret, climbing out of the wreck, the forcefield obviously gone. The others soon found themselves free, excluding whoever had blown to bits or injected with Jenova cells.  
  
"I guess we're not cut out for space travel." sighed Casey.  
  
"No, but it was fun for a while. What planet did we happen to crash onto anyway?" asked Lila, looking around at the area curiously.  
  
Tifa pulled some piece off a nearby sign and her face lost all color. "Welcome to," she gasped. "B-BARNEY Land?!"  
  
Cid swore as they took cover when they spotted a large purple dinosaur stomping nearby. "Wonder who the heck it was in that other ship."  
  
"Mission was a success, captain." announced the pilot. The captain nodded in aknowledgment and grinned at the sliver-haired Sephy-sama.  
  
"Perfect!" laughed Kari with an innocent little girl look. "Leave me out of this fic, will they? That should teach them to leave me out of the fun!" She laughed as she watched them run in terror from a purple dino on her screen.....  
  
THE OVERLY DESERVED END  
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Yes I know I can't write good humour fics, but it's fun to try. *grin* If anyone doesn't know, Lila and Princess Kari are also authors on this site. Go read their awesome fics!  
  
  
  
(Extra notes: I didn't originally mean to kill off the charactors I did. Those ideas just came on the spur of the moment and once I get an idea in my head, it never comes out. Either that or it'll die but these one's nagged me to add those parts. Apologies for whoever may have been offended.)  
  
  
Well that's all for today, and please please please please please please please *gasps for air* please please please please review! ö¿ö 


	2. There's a chapter TWO!?!?!?!

STAR TREK  
chapter 2  
  
Another chapter? LOL I just couldn't resist! By the way, I know this chapter's utterly useless. If you want a good suspenseful fic, click the back button and go find something else. Thanks!  
  
  
  
  
--^-@-^--  
The credits roll nicely around the flying highwind. Why it is in outer space, we're not quite sure. Let's just remember that this is a fanfiction and we'll zoom in.  
  
The bridge looks exactly like the one on Star Trek: Voyager, as we had a larger budget this time, and because the Highwind isn't exaclty built for space travel. In the captain's chair, sat Reno. But he jumped out of it like a scared rabit when Casey and Lila came into the room, the funky sliding door making that cool 'whoosh' sound.   
  
"I still can't believe that Kari shot us out of the sky!" said Lila.  
  
"Umm, we weren't IN the sky." said Elena. "We're in outer space."  
  
"Kari shot YOU TWO, gee I wish that I could figure out why." said Rufus, "Sure wish it was me who'd done it."  
  
"So how did we get off that dreaded planet?" asked Tifa.  
  
Aeris' computer starts beeping. "Yay! I got mail!"  
  
Casey gave Aeris a weird look, as she's supposed to be checking to see if enemy ships are coming and not email, but ignored it. "We just did. I'm too lazy to write it out, but we joined forces and built this ship out of Barney bones."  
  
Cid looked around at the bridge. "Doesn't look like any &^*^%$ bones in here."  
  
"So?" asked Casey. She stood sideways and held her head up, making a superdly dramatic pose "It's MY fic! Rufus, set a course for SQUARESOFTIA!"  
  
Lila cautiously tapped her on the shoulder. "Umm, Casey? The cat blew up the planet, remember? We need another goal."  
  
"Kill Kari! Kill Kari! Kill Kari!..." muttered Cloud quiely under his breath.  
  
"I know!" said Reeve. "Let's kill curi!"  
  
"What?" asked Lila.  
  
"Noooooo!" said Cloud.  
  
"Oh sorry, I guess I didn't hear it right." said Reeve.  
  
"Hear what right?" asked Casey.  
  
"Oh, nothing." said Cloud, and he twitched nervously.  
  
"Riiiiiiight," said Reno, nodding his head slowly. "Why don't we drop off everyone who isn't fun, and go find a rockin' planet to part-tay at!"  
  
"Ok!" said Lila as she stuffed Vincent into a trash compactor, and giggled as the little box was shot into space. She turned back to everyone, with an innocent smile on her face. "Who's neeeeeeeeeeeeext?"  
  
Rude looked at Reno. " 'Part-tay'?" he whispered.  
  
"I guess I got that from Lila." shrugged the red-head.  
  
Cid cursed when he saw Rufus still sitting in the pilot's seat. "You know, I'M the pilot, it would make more sense if..."  
  
"No!" said Casey. "He stays there and that's final!"  
  
Rufus stuck his tongue out at Cid and spun around the the chair a few times.  
  
"Hey how come I haven't gotten a line yet?" asked Barret. Deciding that this man was useless, Lila pushed him out the window in the front.  
  
"Aw, ****." said Cid. "We're goners now!" But much to his surprise, the oxygen level remained constant.  
  
Casey shrugged. "Just a bit of poetic license."  
  
"Hey what is a poetic licence anyway?" asked Lila. Casey shrugged again while Reeve ran in with a new window. Lila looked at him with a smirk on her face as she was about to charge.  
  
"No, Lila! We'll need someone to repair everything we destroy." said Casey.  
  
"Can I kill Cloud then?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Crap."  
  
"Hey can we go destroy Kari?" asked Cid. "After all, she DID send us to that ****ing hated planet and all..."  
  
"Nah, I'm sure there's a law about killing her." sighed Cloud. "She'll always find a way to avoid us."  
  
"Red Alert." said Tifa. "Some other ship is coming into view."  
  
"They're hailing us." said Vincent.  
  
"ATTACK THEM!" screamed Casey.  
  
"No, I wanna see who it is." said Lila. "Reno, open a channel, cutie!"  
  
The red-head nodded, and pushed a button at random. He just hit the 'open a channel' button, narrowly missing the 'eject the captain' button. A garbled yet irrisistably cute voice filled the room but only the ship could be seen on the screen."  
  
"Ve are the Vurbies, you vill be assimilated. Resistence is futile."  
  
Elena made a face. "See, Reno? THEY got it right."  
  
"'Vurbies'?" asked Casey.  
  
"They must mean the furbies." said Aeris.  
  
"Ve...ARE....zee....Vurbies...." sang the voice. "Join us..."  
  
"Aw, they're sooooooooo cute!" said Casey and Lila in unison.  
  
"What a shame." said Rude as he innocent pressed a button. A small red beam flew towards the Furbie ship, and it shattered into many tiny pieces.  
  
"Well that was hard." said Cloud. Lila turned and gave him an evil glare. He gulped. "Well, I'm going to run off and explore the ship. See ya!" He ran from the room with his tail between his legs.  
  
"Since when did he have a tail?" asked Elena.  
  
"That's just a figure of speech." said Tifa. "So are we going to get to the conflict sometime?"  
  
"Are you frickin' saying that you WANT us to run into trouble!" asked Cid. "Frickin' *****."  
  
"Don't say that!" yelled Lila and she then tossed him in the paper shredder. Rufus cheered happily.  
  
"Red alert!" screamed the computer and the lighting changed to flashing red lights.  
  
"There's your conflict." muttered Rufus.  
  
"Attention, HIGHWIND crew! Lower your sheilds and let us in." said a voice.  
  
"Mama told me never to talk to strangers!" said Casey with her tongue sticking out.  
  
Pyro appeared on the screen. "Now Casey, I'm not a stranger."  
  
"No, but you're just strange." said Reno under his breath.  
  
"And why would I let you aboard?" asked Casey.  
  
"Cause I've got Kari captive. If you want to see her safe return, hand over your ship." Pyro then pulled Kari into view. She was tied up with a gag in her mouth.  
  
Lila and Casey burst into laughter while Pyro looked at them with a confused expression.  
  
"Pyro, she just shot us down in the first chapter!" said Lila. "You can keep her!"  
  
Kari's eyes widened and she mumbled a few incoherent threats.  
  
Pyro shrugged. "Well, I still want your ship and the charactors. Hand them over!"  
  
"Well, the ship's made out of Barney bones," said Elena "And if you want some of us, Lila's been leaving a trail all the way from Barney Land. Go collect them."  
  
"No." His image dissapeared from the screen and a red beam of light emerged from his ship and hit the Highwind, sending the space ship hurling towards another planet.....  
  
  
TO BE CONTINUED (Oh please just let this fic end!)  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I'm hoping that the next chapter will have more sense to it *snicker*. I entered these following authors in here:  
Lila: READ HER FICS!  
Princess Kari: My cousin. Read her fics too! She doesn't post very often, though.  
Pyro Shirimasen: Evil! 'Nuff said.  
  
  
  
Any reviews anyone? I'd greatly appreciate it! 


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